took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize