hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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