you win again, gameday.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
