just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She's the barista slut.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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