Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
