Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
