I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
