it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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