It's Friday. Sex?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My life is pants optional.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
