My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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