Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Randomize
