I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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