Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
