party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
only if we run a train.
done.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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