Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
