I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
