I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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