You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
