my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The air was thick with penises
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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