her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize