when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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