I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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