when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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