i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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