he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize