I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Jerry, you need to find god
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Randomize
