I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
