Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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