Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
