final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So much rum. So many feels.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
