Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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