I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
