i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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