Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
