found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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