I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
