I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
