she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
