He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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