Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
