he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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