I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
