The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
