careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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