My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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