I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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