checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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