I bet he comes in French.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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