Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
3pm strippers are depressing
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
