found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
