I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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