Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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