Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I'm really busy with my period
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