This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize