In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
