I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
