we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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