Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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