I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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