I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
