My room smells like vodka and shame
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
