i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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