So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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