I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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